If You're Feeling Sinister.

 

My eardrums are going to explode. I’ve known this for awhile and refuse to do anything about it. After years of going to shows and concerts and standing right up against the speakers my hearing has slowly began to fade away. My left ear will go first and then my right. Right now while I still have it, I’m not too entirely concerned.

 I don’t suppose that the music that’s constantly blaring from my brother’s room helps much either. It’s often so loud that the neighbors come by or call to ask him to turn it down.

 Tonight my friends’ band played at The House of Blues. They did pretty well and I was able to get an alright pass to take pictures. They were lame and didn’t allow me to get on stage.. just between the barrier and the stage.. but it’s all good.

 I’ve come to realize that I kind of hate venues like that. I’m not sure why. I think it might just be that I’ve grown up going to small venues. I like the intimate setting of them I suppose. Plus the people running ‘em aren’t generally dicks to the photographers.

 Whatever though. That’s just how it’s gonna be for the rest of my life I guess. My hearing slowly fading away till I’m deft at the age of 35 and having to deal with dickhead large venue owners.. and small venue owners that are dicks as well.

 

  I’m still not entirely sure what to do. Trib told me not to get involved with Lauren.. she said I shouldn’t because 1) he’s going to Iraq 2) I’m going back to Chicago 3) and apparently he’s a creep and a big flirt. According to her. I suppose I should listen. I mean, what she says makes since and honestly… I think it would hurt Alex if he found out that I kind of liked a guy.. or you know.. had the potential of really liking a guy.

  I’m not really quite sure why exactly I worry about what he’ll think or feel if I get into another relationship. After all, we’re not dating or even seeing each other. We’re still just friends and he’s still going out with Rel. And although he’s getting tired of being with her, I don’t think I could go out w/ Alex till the summer since I know it won’t blow over with her till around then. He’s gone out with two girls since we’ve broken up.. and I’ve gone out with no one.. reasons being 1) I didn’t want to jeopardize any relationships with my guy friends 2) It would’ve been retarded to get into any relationship so close to me moving to Chicago 3) Every guy was/is gay 4) I’m going back to Chicago in a few weeks and 5) It would hurt Alex.  I’m not really quite sure weather I should hold out for him or if I should just say screw it and move on with my life you know?  He’s someone I wouldn’t mind dating again.. but I don’t think he’s the person I’d want to spend the rest of my life with, you know? Not that I ever think of marriage or anything; but yeah. O well. Nothing will probably come out of any of this.. which is the way it should be. I’m used to being single anyway.. so it’s whatever.

I guess maybe deep down somewhere that I don’t ever examine except for possibly in my dreams, I feel lonely. That part of me pops up about once every year I think… and I get really depressed. Generally having my friends and family is good enough.. but I remember one time driving around at night during the winter and crying hysterically in the car by myself thinking that I really didn’t have any real friends and that I only really kinda had Trib and John and that everyone else were all just stupid acquiesces that didn’t mean anything and that no one was ever going to love me. It was all really depressing. I think the only time I’ve gotten depressed this year [besides the few days after Alex broke up with me] was around September or something after Colin had announced that he was leaving Columbia. Right after that I started getting really home sick… I think I hit a low that day after I left Sean and Lewis when we got done shopping and I went to get on the train to go to church at Moody. I got REALLY sad on the way there and as soon as I stepped into Moody I just started balling out of no where. I’m the kinda person that hates having other people see me cry.. for some reason I’ve always felt like I have to be the strong one for everyone. I’ve got to be the one to keep things together. So of coarse for some reason, my reasoning is that if anyone sees me in that state, everything will fall apart.

   I probably don’t have a rational way of thinking either.. but idk that’s just the way I am.

 

I’m the procrastinating, dyslexic girl that secretly thinks she’s a bitch and spoiled brat that spends way too much money who probably usually has no idea what she’s talking about most of the time and is too afraid of confrontation to generally ever do something about anything.

 

I’m the most ridiculous person that I know.

 

I also don’t know why people put so much faith in me. Everyone thinks that I’m this amazing photographer.. but really I’m just mediocre. I mean, yeah sure I’ve had a bit more time than other people to develop a style.. but it’s really nothing special. My photos haven’t been artistic for years. There’s never any meaning behind them.. they’re just of things that I see that I think are or could be pretty and also of my friends to document our time together. Often times I feel like I’m just ripping off this kid Bobby D’s style anyway. And Band pictures.. well that’s not art at all. That’s just promotion stuff for them. There’s nothing special about them.

  I went to The House of Blues here in Dallas and as soon as I walk in my friend Clay [who was in the band] is already telling people what an amazing photographer I am and what not. And everyone from my youth group that was there were all telling all their friends there that too… and it’s like they expect so much from me but my photos aren’t even quality. I know because I’m looking at the photos right now.

 I mean, yeah, I’m good as a photographer to a certain extent. But idk I need my photos to be Quality.. and they’re not. It’s frustrating when people expect so much out of you and you’re just not up to par. You know?      

in other news, apparently Cat's comming here on the 9th of Jan. Jake Penzell  might be staying at my casa for a night or so... and i"m going down to Austin with my friends' band Royal line to do photos and possibly video. should be legit. :]

extremely mini tour.

Eye Dee Kay

 

            So as it stands right now, Christmas is three days away. As it stands right now, the Christmas decorations in my house consist of a three-foot Christmas tree in a corner on a table. Generally my family goes all out on Christmas decorations and Christmas; but this year for some reason no one cares too much. For me it’s because being home is enough. Being home was all I wanted for months and I’m finally here. For my mom and dad it’s because after dealing with having a blood clot in is leg for seven months; it just doesn’t feel any better and he doesn’t feel up to doing much. For my brother, I think it’s because he’s trying to distance himself from materialistic things. We’re supposed to decorate tomorrow... but I’m not sure how much we’re actually gonna do. It almost seems ridiculous to decorate now. 

   This Christmas is going to be odder than ever. For once it seems that I’m going to be the one giving most of the gifts. I finally have been able to have a job that gave me pretty decent money so I was able to go out and get stuff for everyone. Except my mom.. I’m getting her a poinsettia [to try to carry on the tradition that my grandfather started] and then a shopping spree. She always got me a bunch of crap whenever we went out shopping for things… so I thought it’d be nice to return the favor. Both my brother and father have declared that they don’t want anything for Christmas, which makes the task of getting them something even harder… because this year more than ever, I really want to get them things to show them how much I appreciate them.  I on the other hand I seem to be the only one who presented a wish list [cuz my parents told me to] soo it seems that I’ll be getting a jacket for Christmas along with both the Royal Tenimboms and Motorcycle Diaries DVDs for Christmas and a bunch of IOU’s [my mom refused to buy any of my Christmas gifts without me picking them out first.. lame.]. Bryan has no money and Dad never shops.. therefore I’m not sure how many gifts will be given out this year.

  I’m not sure if this Christmas is a sad decent or kind of a backfire at the American Christmas consumption. On one hand, it’s gotten a little ridiculous that my mom is worrying about getting the “right” thing that she refuses to buy anything without me there. I mean, whatever happened to giving a gift because you care? You know, giving from the heart? It’s not the gift, it’s the intention behind it. And on the other hand, you’ve got my brother and dad who say they don’t want anything. One because they have everything. The other because they refuse to give into materialism. I’m not sure.

All I know is that going shopping and worrying about weather someone’ll like what you’ve got them or not and looking for hours for something is ridiculously tiring, and would be even so if I wasn’t sick. Shopping for my friends in Chicago was A LOT easier.

  Coming home was incredibly nice though I must admit. As soon as I stepped into the baggage claim area, I was met by my best friend Trib who immediately ran to me and surrounded me in a hug while crying. I’ve never had someone so happy to see me that they’ve cried. It was a nice shock I guess. My friend Rel was there too along with Trib’s awesome new boyfriend Sam and my brother and parents. We went to Ihop after I dropped my crap off at my house. It amazed me how different some of the rooms in my house looked. They hadn’t changed since I’ve left [except the fact that my brother took my TV] but things were different.

  That night I got to see my other best friend Cam before he left, which was awesome too. Lol I drew him out a map to find my dorm since apparently he was going to be performing at the Hilton Chicago, which is a few blocks from my dorm. Lol He found my window and everything.

 Things have been a little weird though. I hung out with my friend [and exboyfriend] Alex Armstrong. I’m not quite sure what he expects..,. and to be honest I’m not really sure what to do. I mean, idk I’m still kinda in love with him but he’s going out with Rel… whom he’s insanely tired of being with since apparently she’s being a controlling whatever. He’s afraid to break up with her though.

  I played him a few songs from the mix tape I was making for him. Lol he acted like he didn’t remember why exactly I had put the Of Montreal song on there and made me explain it again.. which I didn’t really want to do… and yeah.. pretty much made me tell him that I loved him again.

  I met a few more of Trib’s friends last night at the fondue/Nintendo sha-bang. Idk me and her friend Lauren/Spanky kinda flirted all night…he started it. But idk man we hung out tonight just me and him and Peyton Brown and his friend Danny [who’s a girl]. Things are so very complicated. I hate it when things get complicated. He’s going off to Iraq soon to fight in the army. I’m going back to Chicago. Period. I’m going back to Chicago. I can’t get in any relationships. I’m not the person that just rushes into relationships specially when I don’t think it could or would go anywhere. The kid’s straight edge so I won’t be pushed into things.. but God I don’t even know. As we were at the gas station tonight he asked “Soo are we gonna hook up or what?” I’m not sure if he was serious or not.. but I said yes.

 

 

 

 

 

God. What am I doing?

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: I’m not sure. I’m not ever sure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the upside.. I think I’ve found a direction that I want to go with my documentaries. I’ve always been into subcultures.. I think it’s something I’d like to do documentaries on… out side of the whole music thing. I want to do documentaries on Transitets and  Straight Edge kids/crews for sure though. I don’t know. Everyone has a basic idea of what straight edge is.. but idk I think it’d be nice to see further into it. I think it’s a project I’m going to start while I’m down here.

It's Apparent.

I think it's becoming more and more apparent that I work in retail. For starters I've come to have a love hate relationship with christmas carols. On one hand they're ketchy to a degree that's almost mind blowing. They're pretty much the only songs that can be played over and over every year and not be looked down upon for being old. On the other hand there's just so many versions of Frosty the Snowman that you can hear back to back to back. Over all I think right now there's only about 3 songs that they play that I really enjoy. It gets entirely old after listening to the same songs every week for the last 6 weeks. I've learned though, if you can't beat it, sing it.

Also, the other day I was doing laundry before work. Now this isn't really out of character or anything.. but good god I think I spent a good 45 minutes or more meticulously trying to straighten and fold my clothes. Does it really matter if MY close are folded correctly. NO. But I did it any way without even thinking about it.

But I can't say that I hate my job. I was actually a little saddened by the fact that yesterday was the last day of work for me. Although I was hired on as seasonal, I think I'll have my job when I come back. Last night I signed a forum requesting time off.. and then my manager told me to go make out a new availability sheet for next semester. Sooo yeah. pretty excited if I still have that job when I come back. the money is pretty good. or at least I think. I've never had a "real" job before so I could be getting ripped off. but at $8.50 an hour, i don't care too much.

It's Apparent.

I think it's becoming more and more apparent that I work in retail. For starters I've come to have a love hate relationship with christmas carols. On one hand they're ketchy to a degree that's almost mind blowing. They're pretty much the only songs that can be played over and over every year and not be looked down upon for being old. On the other hand there's just so many versions of Frosty the Snowman that you can hear back to back to back. Over all I think right now there's only about 3 songs that they play that I really enjoy. It gets entirely old after listening to the same songs every week for the last 6 weeks. I've learned though, if you can't beat it, sing it.

Also, the other day I was doing laundry before work. Now this isn't really out of character or anything.. but good god I think I spent a good 45 minutes or more meticulously trying to straighten and fold my clothes. Does it really matter if MY close are folded correctly. NO. But I did it any way without even thinking about it.

But I can't say that I hate my job. I was actually a little saddened by the fact that yesterday was the last day of work for me. Although I was hired on as seasonal, I think I'll have my job when I come back. Last night I signed a forum requesting time off.. and then my manager told me to go make out a new availability sheet for next semester. Sooo yeah. pretty excited if I still have that job when I come back. the money is pretty good. or at least I think. I've never had a "real" job before so I could be getting ripped off. but at $8.50 an hour, i don't care too much.